Change

Alter Native

by Megan on December 6, 2011

Change is something I’ve been …researching.

In all the obvious outward ways, sure.  But the rumblings comes from inside.  The ideas and directions that need changing, the shifting that needs to happen in order to stand up as myself is not accomplished in a move, or a new ‘look’ or a different career.

Alternate the outward changes with Inward focus. Spend time listening deeply to the truth that is nestled next to the birth, and the death.

Changing  yourself on a consistent basis, shaking up your routine and your ideas might help you to see, to feel,  that something holds steady.  The little buried truthful you.

Do you let the world dictate your moves?

Or do you Follow a voice from within?

What can you do to become comfortable with altering your views?  Yourself?  What is the most authentic outward reflection of the truth that you are today?  And can this enable you to be more generous with the world?

I am not building a great structure that is called ME.  But only letting every little false identity fall away to reveal the simple truth that I came with.

Alter Native

Alter Native

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Standing In The Storm

by Megan on August 24, 2011

Well.  You could have stayed home.  But you were looking for your large life, remember?  (no sarcasm here.)

The crushed boxes strewn across the floor are a reminder of the violence that can be CHANGE.

The lightening that greeted my arrival, the blinding rain that stopped the car on the BQE after the long delay of the airplane. The tirade of the manager telling me I wasn’t supposed to move in yet and I didn’t belong.  The dishonesty of the supporting cast of characters…

You can find yourself in a shit storm and ask WHY.

But you’d be missing the point.  That you are standing in the storm.  Not laying.  Not cowering in your room.  Not waiting for someone to deliver you on a silk cushion.

You are not avoiding life, but heading straight into it for it’s taste and sometimes brutal scraping.

Freedom to live your life just the way you choose may not be easy or safe or well received.  But it’s yours.

This.  I.  Got.

(and when we walked home after dinner in the pouring rain there was no desire to run to avoid the soaking, only a joy in being alive in the rain.)

Standing In The Storm

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Freedom (In 7 Steps)

by Megan on July 14, 2011

Give all of yourself to this life.

What does it mean to free your life?  Taking off the clothes that don’t fit, the labels that no longer apply.  Turning in a new direction because you have a notion that life can be bigger, and listening to the rumblings (fear!) that this one ship you’ve got to sail is missing you at the helm.  Expansion.  Does this sound good?

I’m in a mid life transformational freeing frame of mind.  We don’t have forever here.  We might have a lot less than that.  I want to make the very most of it.  Maybe you do, too?

LISTEN

Before you can get to freedom, you have to figure out if you’re stuck.  Basic you say?  Not so much.  Sometimes it’s a restless feeling that resides deep down for years.  Change happens to you, and you make change happen.  Are you at the effect of all that is around you?  Or are you at the center of your life, amidst the actions of others but grounded in your own purpose?  Take a lot of quiet time  so that you can get the message.

FIND YOUR FEAR AND THE BRAVERY TO STAY WITH IT

Embrace fear as your best friend.   Make peace with her.   If you are meant to go through the fire of making change, now you know.  Don’t turn back.  you only need to take one little step at a time and you can slow down and rest for as long as you need to.  Don’t look back.  Just look up.  Faith, higher power, steadfastness?  Whatever works to continually put your inner being at the center of your world.

YOU ALREADY ARE

If you are like the rest of the human race,  you will wait.  For permission.  For the right time.  For the guts.  Waiting will never make it easier, the conditions will never be to your liking.  Just don’t bullshit yourself for too long.  You already have everything you need.  You may not be ready to take your first steps (the old bed is so comfortable and you clearly do not know if you will find another that makes you feel so safe) , but you need to know you have the tools to do it.

NOW  (STOP WAITING)

So if you never really feel ready, how do you start?  Leap.  Jump off.  While screaming if necessary.  It’s uncomfortable.  It can be sad and scary and what the hell am I doing I’ve lost my mind.  (Saying no, taking a different directions that looks unlike you, letting go of things and people that weigh you down)  We are humans therefore we cling to what we know.  We are bred this way. Safety is survival.   Change is a mother.

FIND YOUR PEOPLE

Even the loners out there need support.  Most of us need a lot of it.  And it’s comforting to meet up with people who speak your language, people who get off on the same things you do, that have traveled some of the same roads.  So if you’ve taken the huge risks to change, do yourself a solid and find some company and comfort.  Tell a confidant your dreams and fears.  Gift them with your truth and vulnerability.  This is where we come together.

LET GO OF THE OUTCOME

Did you ever let go of something consciously?  And were rewarded quickly with a gift?  (I was disappointed in someone’s behavior and instead of solidifying my anger I decided to wish them well.  Truly letting them go with love.  I was gifted a couple of days later in direct relation to the letting go.)    Again, you can’t fool yourself about letting go.  You can’t say you are letting go and then keep checking to see if the reward is coming. (Let go and let the universe have it’s way?)

CELEBRATE YOUR ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT

Stay in an adventurer’s mind.  What will happen next? Know nothing.  This plants you right in the moment which is the only place you can enjoy the freedom and the wonder of what is happening now.  So if you come alone and you die alone, it’s really a good thing to figure out how to have a little love fest for yourself.  I’m kind of back to step one here…take solitude.  Continue listening and take time every day to fully appreciate yourself.  Is the change you’ve made very small?  This is still change and none of this happens without massive love.

Thank you so much for reading.  Pass along if you got something out of it.  With love.

Freedom (In 7 Steps)

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Hungry Birds

by Megan on March 1, 2011

I opened the window for a fresh breeze, a change of air, and a hundred hungry birds flew in.  I didn’t invite them.

I wanted to change my wardrobe.  My zip code?  And all these hungry birds are here.  They.  Need.  Food.

We don’t get the choice of when the work needs to be done.  We only need to accept it and dig in.

So I’m digging.

I feel like throwing up my hands sometimes and saying, to the greater wind, enough.  I need a break.  I need to rest.

Change is the long trek through a forest of these hungry birds, they need me to feed them.  While I’m afraid and it’s dark and who the hell is directing this play?  I have to keep pulling out my saber at every passing monster, throwing food to them as I go.

For the small child within, the undone work, the neglected possibilities, the time is here.   The time chooses you.  Put your suit on.  Make it the sturdy one.  And then with every draw of the saber, you have the chance to ask yourself.  How can I be bigger?

Hungry Birds

wave at el capitan state beach

Hungry Birds

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No B Game

by admin on September 10, 2010

I get teary as I write this.  He’s my last, nearly out the door.  While I know he’ll always be my son, I don’t really know what the next phase will look like.  I don’t know anything.  So. Much. Change.

Where I protect and rehearse and caution against failure, my son’s eyes never leave the goal.  I’m sure that on the inside, in the gooey middle, there is wavering, but his direction and velocity towards his dreams is something to see.

HE’S ALL A.

College applications.  Something I never did.  The pressure is ferocious.  But he puts one still growing foot in front of the other.  The essay (multiple!) is an ordeal.  But the hardest thing for my son?  Getting schools onto the list that are shoe-ins.

HE GOT NO BE GAME.

When he writes a birthday card he fills it corner to corner with miniscule words, all sweet sentiments, insightful memories, and appreciation.  DON’T FUCK WITH LOVE.

He plays tennis.  Mostly injured.  But he never lets go of his love for the game.  His desire to win.  It was, and is, a part of his package.  He keeps getting out there, icing when he gets home, physical therapy, whatever the hell it takes.  With every choice he makes he defines his place in the world.  When I say something about an upcoming opponent being tough…he will reply, “I CAN BEAT HIM.”

I want to wrap my arms around him, I want to protect him from disappointment, but I stand back.  I’m asked to let him be the man he is trying to be.  I stand back because it’s the right thing.  And from my pulled back, but close enough view, I see this beautiful thing happening.  The soft loving boy, to the larger loving young man.

He is teaching me something of this A Game.  Momentarily not achieving what I set out to doesn’t mean I have to settle for a lesser path.  A safer path.  It only means this road that I choose, this GREATNESS OR BUST journey, has potholes.

Fall down.  Get up again.  Watch me try harder.

They come, they fill you with love.  And teach you something of LIFE.

Got an A game?

No B Game

Summer 2009

Summer 2009

No B Game

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Change

by Megan on August 23, 2010

Every time I decide to grow my hair out..or cut it…someone close to me says…Oh.  I love it the way it is.

Many of my old friends have not responded to my emails about my work now.  The dance.  Or whatever.  I can only assume that they aren’t digging it.  (It doesn’t fit your picture of me?)

I used to be shy.  (Hard to believe?)  I used to be obedient.  I have changed.  Or rather, I am uncovering.  What is now always was.  But quieted.

Here’s the thing.  I have to see myself as an energy.  Pink.  Sweet.  Hot.  It moves.  It CHANGES.

In my lifetime of perfectionism, of looking at end products and deciding that doing nothing was better then failing, I was stuck.  I had to change.

I fought my way to the inside.  I cried and kicked and screamed and made a fool of myself.

But now.  Finally.  I just grow and change.  I’m no longer ruled by what will be successful.  What everyone will love.  What will make everyone comfortable.

I’m open to something greater.   Source.  And I let it move me forward.  I know I’m sounding all cornball.  (Cornball is so not me.)

But it’s the truth.  If my changing makes you uncomfortable, it’s because I’m showing you the scary fucking inevitable.  Everything.  Changes.

So to my old friends who don’t get me, I love you.  To my closest circle, I love you even more.  Be brave with me.

Go ahead.  Cut your hair.  Dress it up.  Take it off.  Let yourself fall into the river of change that is happening.  Show us how you do it.

(This post is for Tim.  He suggested this idea.  He’s also bravely and sweetly unafraid of the ever changing me.)

Change

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