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Are your actions, your thoughts, motivated by love? Or fear?

Pour them all into a sieve,

Some things will flow through, dissolving.  Some will not, like chunks of stuckness which you take out of the sieve and put back in the place with all the other things that keep you gripping the side of the river. Fear is the motivator of a small life.

The little actions and thoughts that flowed through the sieve were motivated by love.  They came from the place in you that knows you are part of this loving universe.  The chunks?  Those are the things, words, thoughts, perfectionisms, that came from a fearful place.  We all have a fearful place.

We are motivated from both of these starting points, we open and close like a sea anemone.  Life is scary.

So ask yourself often, am I coming from love (this feels gentle and relaxing) or fear? (tight, rushed) and shift your starting point.

This adjusts your thinking direction,

Which changes your action,

Which opens you to changing your life, in the direction of love. 

If you can stay with yourself through the uncomfortable moments. Through whole days of uncertainty and grief- If you can bravely stay with the hurt, then
Something germinates. Waiting to come.
If you can let go of filling the void quickly, but instead
Sit with yourself. All of your self, even the parts that are suffused in shame.
Being with, even that?
Something grows. In the dark.
If you can see the old story line and let it go like something that no longer fits, letting it dissolve in the knowledge that it is no longer alive but only a dead animal you carry
Starting to know that the weight of it is slowing your journey, then set it down.
It served you once, but not today,
Get quiet and feel the only you
And inside the only you is the container filled with everything you need.
Something begins.
Will yourself to many funerals, and in the dying let the fresh moment be.
What is this that survives the destruction?
This infinite you. Begins again.

Broken Obelisk by Annalee Newman outside the Rothko Chapel- Houston, Texas

I’m taking a class entitled The Psychology of Creativity.  The text is Explaining Creativity by R Keith Sawyer.  It gets may brain going.  Of the 8 stages that one typically goes through to generate a ‘creative’ idea, I’d like to add one.  This is my own version of his list.

1. Find the problem.  (What catches your interest?)
2. Acquire knowledge.  (Don’t rush this one, the 10,000 hours and all of that.)
3. Gather information.  (Possibilities, Tools, Reality checks go here.)
4. Incubate. (Rest, Trust, Let Go.)
5. Return to 2 and 3.
6. Combine all your thoughts and ideas in different combinations.  (Get out of the box.)
7. Pick the best combination.
8. Make it.  Share it.

And the step that I would like to add, which really isn’t a step but more like a space that you live in:

9.  Stand at the open door and say yes.

Baby chicks are hatching all around.  Give yours the time to actualize.

The universe has conspired to give me a retreat week.  What a lovely gift.  I’ve been offline, mostly, for lots of reasons including another move, the holidays, and school work.  I’m also in another creative/work transition.  More dress rehearsal if you will.  I’m not sure when the performance will be scheduled, but I’ll be sure to let you know.

My theme for 2013 is Deeper Connection to Self.  This means growing an even closer and more meaningful bond with my inner life, and knowing that I can depend, deeply, on myself for truth.

While this is all good stuff, it also means being willing to hear what is NOT for me. Letgoletgoletgo.  (I read this article in O mag on the plane, a conversation between Oprah and Caroline Myss, and felt inspired.  Maybe you will like it too.)

This is self care without the calories, loud music or good photo op.

I’m also revisiting Chris Guillebeau’s wonderful template for goal setting.  My categories are Health, Spiritual, Creative, Business, Home, Family/Friends, and School.

What is your theme?  Make the time to consider it, create the picture in your mind, and write it down.

Happy New Year!

Here is a meditation I practice for letting go.

Put your hands together but keep the palms open as if you are making a little open nest with your hands.

Now imagine a beautiful baby bird resting there.  (This is your tiny chic, your big idea, the love of your dreams)

You can feel the urge to hold onto the bird, but you don’t.  Instead, you just let it rest there.

And then you see it start to fly a bit, to venture out.  Feel this.  It’s scary.  This is the work.

Now imagine that this little bird feels the safety of you- the un-neediness of you.  You have become the beautiful resting place.  You have BECOME the that which you are looking for.  Rest here.  Can you imagine how wonderful you are to come home to?

I know.  I don’t like to be without either. 

That hour or two without food in your stomach (as you lean into this feeling of hunger)

The itchiness of the posted blog (and the ease with which you walk away from your laptop)

The lone holiday present (nearly forgotten as you make real connection with your loved one)

The state of being WITHOUT is when you build your spiritual muscle.  How long can you stay in this place without getting grabby?  Being without leaves space to receive.

Working hard, making an effort, enables you to get somewhere.  Do something.  I believe in a strong work ethic.

I also have a large agenda of things I would like to experience in this life.  I have wants.  Lots of them.

But here’s the thing about getting what you want.  I know you know this, but it’s hard to hold on to.  You have the best chance of attaining your dreams when you can LET THEM GO.

What I mean is…Expectations, waiting for the return, thinking you know what you deserve, is THE SHORTEST DISTANCE FROM HERE TO DISAPPOINTMENT.

I’m not saying don’t have intentions.  DO.  Set that sh*t up.  Make the master plan.  Gotta have it.  But then, you have to let it go.  Every last bit of it.

It’s hard to let go of something and not have anything to replace it.  So this is what you replace it with:  The universe sees me and is gong to provide  me with a beautiful scenario for my growth and depth.

With growth and depth is happiness.  I promise.  (Just like all the new jeans and fancy restaurants are not.)

You can’t PRETEND to let go.  Hand it over.  Open your palms.  Twice a day.  Build a faith muscle.  Be a bigger person.

So now you have let go, you have blown out your wish to the universe, and you are taking the daily disciplined actions of taking good care of your dreams and building a day that you are proud of.  Since you are not GRIPPING and EXPECTING (unattractive!), you have more room for spaciousness.  Now you can wake up with each day and wonder, like a child, what the day will hold.  Good things, hard things, but all for your further development.

I needed some time.

To not write.

To not video.  To not use a camera or remember an idea.  To not plan and schedule, demonstrate my ability to grow, see myself further than I was last week, to not learn much of anything I could write down here or tell you at lunch.

Having faith in doing nothing feels about right. (I get fully into summmer and vacations just as they are about to run out, the power of loss making them sweeter.)

Slow it down.  Human Be.  Happy end of summer.

I need three Things. Safety, Creative Realization, Connection. If I do a good job, I get (give to myself) all three of these every day. One enables the next and my commitment to these things gathers momentum to form something called CONTENTMENT. The ignoring of these things creates grumpiness and unhappiness. So take what you like and think about writing your three things. And then, of course, how you get them.

Safety (I need my rest so I’m a bear about my sleep and my naps. Feeling rested makes me feel safe. Listening to my inner voice about what I feel, which is a life long growing process, and giving myself permission to say no thank you or maybe later. Good food and good bodily connection also makes me feel safe as I try to wrap myself in loving gestures.)

Creative Realization (I listen to music and give myself alone time. I try to go see things that move me off of myself and help me to see things in a fresh way. I try to ignore you. I ignore the voices that tell me I’m shallow/embarrassing/foolish. I schedule my calendar with periods of writing.  I TRY.   Knowing that if I don’t get really bossy with myself my fear will get the best of me and DRAT another day without creation!)

Connection (I’m actively working on my intimacy skills which is something that should come easy for a person like me who is always talking about intimacy and connection. What I want is the hardest thing sometimes and so letting go of stories and sitting with oneself and learning to love myself is helping me to be unafraid of being truly close to someone else. I often have to see that I can run from something I want the most because it’s scary as all that AND BLOODY HELL. I try to also schedule in a social friend thing every week too because I really like to be with people and share ideas and be silly and stuff.)

What are your three things?  Or five?  And have you honed in on how to get them?  (Knowing of course that we are aiming HIGH here because if we don’t aim there we have no hope of GETTING there.)