Goodbye Little Blackie
My friend, Ken Moorhead, said my blog looked nothing like me. Now, he’s never met me IRL, but what he was saying was that it didn’t reflect my writing- or my dancing. Wow. This is important.
And then a web design guy asked me what my ‘field of expertise’ was- and so I told him. “I would never know that from your blog.” Another Wow. OK.
The black and pinkness here. Some people loved it. Some very much DID NOT. Starting a website is scary. You are getting out in front of WHO KNOWS and telling the truth. Perhaps scarier still is the idea that NO ONE is listening.
The question of the year (the decade?) is…what do I allow myself? (Because no one is going to provide me with something I don’t think I’m worthy of.) Pushing past the boundaries that were set so long ago is HARD. But little whisper by little crumb, I come out.
So I’ve been working on upgrading IdanceIwrite. The new design is an exercise in EXPANSIVENESS. I’m growing. I need the site to grow with me. I have to make it BIGGER than I am, so there is room. It’s scary and fantastic. (Once you leave SAFE behind there is no going back.)
Letting go. Moving Forward.
A hint. I’m going from the darkness to the light.
The Brilliant and The Lost
Really.
This is YOU.
You are a container for all the parts of YOU.
These are the parts in my circle: Dancer, Lover, Mom, Sad child, Artist, Writer, Friend, Party girl, Mentor, Goofball, Fool.
(Can you see all of these inside the circle? This is a visual exercise.)
At any given time I am one of these parts. Sometimes two. I have to embrace them all. Even the most unattractive. The needy, the awkward. (If you think they won’t be heard, THINK AGAIN.)
Do you know that saying? You are only as happy as your happiest child. Yes. This goes for the parts of you. Is there someone in there you are ignoring? Embarrassed of?
This circle. My gorgeous mess. Yours? Find every part. Draw your circle. (on paper!) Don’t leave any part out.
The brilliant and the lost. Choose all of yourself.
Change
Many of my old friends have not responded to my emails about my work now. The dance. Or whatever. I can only assume that they aren’t digging it. (It doesn’t fit your picture of me?)
I used to be shy. (Hard to believe?) I used to be obedient. I have changed. Or rather, I am uncovering. What is now always was. But quieted.
Here’s the thing. I have to see myself as an energy. Pink. Sweet. Hot. It moves. It CHANGES.
In my lifetime of perfectionism, of looking at end products and deciding that doing nothing was better then failing, I was stuck. I had to change.
I fought my way to the inside. I cried and kicked and screamed and made a fool of myself.
But now. Finally. I just grow and change. I’m no longer ruled by what will be successful. What everyone will love. What will make everyone comfortable.
I’m open to something greater. Source. And I let it move me forward. I know I’m sounding all cornball. (Cornball is so not me.)
But it’s the truth. If my changing makes you uncomfortable, it’s because I’m showing you the scary fucking inevitable. Everything. Changes.
So to my old friends who don’t get me, I love you. To my closest circle, I love you even more. Be brave with me.
Go ahead. Cut your hair. Dress it up. Take it off. Let yourself fall into the river of change that is happening. Show us how you do it.
(This post is for Tim. He suggested this idea. He’s also bravely and sweetly unafraid of the ever changing me.)
